Dealing With Inherited Family Trauma: “It Didn’t Start With You” Summarized

✎ Written by: Hendrina Sterling

Understanding the Impact of Generational Trauma: Insights from Mark Wolynn

Mark Wolynn, the director of The Family Constellation Institute in San Francisco and author of the bestseller It Didn’t Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle, emphasizes a profound connection we have with our parents and ancestors, regardless of our narratives about them. His work is rooted in the idea that our familial bonds are inescapable, influencing us even if we’ve never met our ancestors.

Over 25 years, Wolynn has delved into the interplay between language and trauma, creating a framework known as the Core Language Approach. His book, It Didn’t Start With You, explores this concept, shedding light on how generational trauma impacts individuals by weaving personal struggles into the broader context of inherited experiences, repressed memories, and ancestral emotions.

The Central Message?

Your challenges didn’t originate solely with you. From upbringing to genetics, your connection to your family runs deeper than you might think.

It’s important to note that Wolynn’s insights are largely based on his extensive experience in trauma therapy. The Core Language Approach is his unique contribution, and it should be seen as a supplementary tool alongside professional therapy.

Key Concepts from Wolynn’s Work:

Hidden Secrets in Our Bodies

Wolynn’s Core Language Approach emphasizes that traumas experienced by our ancestors can profoundly affect our behavior today. He references epigenetic research showing that not only physical traits but also emotional and behavioural traits can be influenced by our forebears.

For instance, Wolynn explains that we are shaped not just by our parents’ experiences but also by our grandparents’. He points out that when our grandmother was five months pregnant with our mother, the precursor cell of the egg from which we developed was already present in our mother’s ovaries. Similarly, the precursor cells of the sperm in our fathers carry environmental and experiential influences from previous generations, which can affect us as their descendants.

Healing Through Language

Wolynn’s approach to trauma healing involves using language to construct a coherent narrative of traumatic events in our family history, sometimes even from before our birth. Traumatic experiences are often stored in the brain as implicit memories, which are part of the unconscious mind and difficult to access consciously.

In his practice, Wolynn guides clients to use language to “declare” these hidden memories, essentially bringing past traumas into conscious awareness so they can be addressed. This process involves constructing a “Core Language Map” to better understand our family history and uncover unconscious memories, emotions, and experiences.

Creating a Core Language Map

To develop this understanding, Wolynn suggests creating a core language map, which consists of four steps:

1. The Core Complaint: Identify the primary issue or struggle you are facing.
2. The Core Descriptors: Describe the problem in detail, including associated feelings and thoughts.
3. The Core Sentence: Formulate a sentence that encapsulates the essence of your core complaint.
4. The Core Trauma: Trace back to the original traumatic event or experience in your family history that might be linked to your current struggle.

This theoretical framework is based on Wolynn’s practical experience and is intended to complement, not replace, professional trauma therapy. It’s advisable to work on these issues with a qualified therapist for effective healing.

By exploring and understanding our generational trauma, we can begin to heal and break the cycle for future generations.

Creating a Core Language Map to Uncover and Heal Generational Trauma

Mark Wolynn’s Core Language Approach offers a structured way to identify and address deep-seated traumas that may be rooted in our family history. Here, we outline the four steps to create your core language map, helping you uncover and heal generational trauma.

Step 1: The Core Complaint

The core complaint is a deep-seated issue or feeling that feels overwhelming and has been a significant part of your life. It is the problem that most disrupts your sense of well-being, safety, and peace.

Exercise: Find Your Core Complaint

1. Write Down Your Problem: Identify the most pressing issue in your life right now. Consider what disrupts your sense of well-being, safety, and peace.
2. Reflect on Your Deepest Issue: Ask yourself, “What is the deepest issue I want to heal? If this feeling, symptom, or condition never goes away, what am I afraid could happen to me?”
3. Write Freely: Write down everything that comes to mind without editing.
4. Identify Emotional Language: Review what you’ve written and highlight words or phrases that stand out as intense or emotionally charged.

Examples:

• “No one will remember me. I’ll leave no legacy.”
• “I’m going to die and I can’t stop it. It’s out of my control.”
• “I’ll go crazy and will become the ‘lunatic’ of the family.”

Step 2: The Core Descriptors

The core descriptors are beliefs you have about your parents and their influence on you. Understanding these can reveal unconscious loyalties or grudges and the depth of your trauma.

Exercise: Establish Your Core Descriptors

1. Describe Your Parents: On a piece of paper, describe your mother and father separately using this template:
   • My mother/father was/is…
   • I blame my mother/father for…
2. Reflect on Emotional Intensity: Note the intensity of the emotions tied to these descriptions.

Examples:

• “My mother was cruel and vindictive, and I hated her” (strong emotional charge).
• “My mother was distant and struggled to express her emotions” (less emotionally intense).

Step 3: The Core Sentence

The core sentence is an emotionally charged statement that encapsulates your worst fear. It often begins with “I” or “They.”

Exercise: Write Down Your Core Sentence

1. Identify Your Worst Fear: Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that could happen to me? What’s my worst fear?”
2. Write It Down: Be honest and write without censoring yourself.

Examples:

• “I’ll let everyone down.”
• “They’ll lock me up.”
• “They’ll abandon me.”
• “I’m all alone.”

Step 4: The Core Trauma

The core trauma involves asking questions to uncover significant events in your family’s history that may be contributing to your current issues.

Exercise: Discover Your Core Trauma

1. Ask Bridging Questions: These questions help you understand potential family traumas. Consider the following themes:
   • Rejection of a parent.
   • Merging with a parent’s feelings.
   • Early separation from a primary caregiver.
   • Identifying with a family member’s fears or emotions.

Example:

• Core Complaint: “I’ll end up all alone.”

Bridging Questions:

• Has anyone in my extended family ever been disowned, cut off, or separated from others?
• Has anyone in my extended family ended up living completely alone?
• Does my fear of being alone have something to do with rejecting one of my parents or merging with one of my parents during childhood?
• Did I ever experience early separation from my primary caregiver, making me feel alone?

By following these steps, you can create a core language map that helps you uncover and address deep-seated generational trauma. Remember, this process is a complement to professional therapy, and it’s important to seek guidance from a qualified therapist as you navigate your healing journey.

Conclusion

It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn offers valuable tools for understanding and addressing generational trauma, helping individuals articulate unconscious feelings and explore their family history.

As Wolynn aptly states:

“The answer is to find some way to bring our parents into our hearts, and to bring the qualities we reject in them (and in us) into awareness. There, we have the chance to transform something difficult into something that can bring us strength. By developing a relationship with the painful parts of ourselves, we have an opportunity to shift them.”

If you’re interested in delving deeper into creating your core language map, reconnecting with your ancestors, and healing inherited family trauma, exploring It Didn’t Start With You could be beneficial.

However, it’s important to note that the Core Language Approach is Wolynn’s theoretical framework. While it can be a valuable supplementary tool, seeking guidance from a mental health professional is essential for personalized trauma therapy.

By integrating these insights and professional support, individuals can embark on a journey of healing and transformation, addressing deep-seated traumas that may have impacted generations. This approach fosters resilience and empowers individuals to reclaim their narratives and find strength in their personal histories.